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WOMEN REBUILDING LIVES FROM ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
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                 Domestic Violence~Survivor Story
I was born to wonderful parents, the first of two daughters and my parents worst
nightmare at times!.  My sister is my hero in life, beautiful and strong. I especially
loved holidays I remember going to church with my parents and sister, I can still
see the warm hand of my father holding my hand in church, smell the beautiful
perfume my mother wore which was Blue Carnation.  My favorite toys were my
dolls, they were my babies.  My dreams in life were to get married to a wonderful
husband and have beautiful children.  My second dream was to be a beautician.  
My sister paid dearly for that dream...I would never practice on my dolls hair, of
course being the brat I was I would cut her dollies hair. I chopped off all of my
sisters dolls hair!  Just call me shang hi chop chop!! Needless to say I never
became a beautician.

When I got to high school...I truly broke my parents hearts.  I was the teenager
that was very rebellious and thought I knew it all.  I loved being the party girl
instead of listening to my parents and take school serious and be the good girl.  
When I started dating it was a whole new world for me.  Boys thought I was cute
and that was all I needed to go on a downhill spiral journey that brought me to my
fate of bad choices.  I had this love of motorcycles and if the guy had a bike I
rode with him on the back. Dad made it very clear to me that he did not want me
on a motorcycle and NO long haired boys.  Now those boys had to pick me up at
my house in a car then we would drive over to his house to get on the bike and
of course when it was time to go home, go get the car and he would drive me
home in the car.  And long hair on a guy?  That was something I loved.   My high
school sweetheart made my heart do flip flops every time I saw him.  My father
did not like him and knew that he was bad for me.  

No he did not ride a bike, he did drugs.  Finally I saw that my fathers’ advice was
right and we broke up.  Then I met the man I would marry and have children
with.  He was cute, blond hair and blue eyes and a preachers kid!  We had so
much fun together, we laughed and talked about so many things.  There was
never a dull moment when we were together. When he would look into my eyes
and tell me "I Love You", I knew in my heart that this young man would love me to
the day I die, little did I know that I would be facing death many times over in my
future.

We married despite my parents warning me that I was making a mistake, I broke
their hearts, again.
Not long after our shot gun wedding I found myself trapped in the vicious grip of a
world that I never knew existed, the world of ANGRY physical Abuse, domestic
violence.  I was carrying our first child, and so excited that I was having a baby.  
He came home from work and I had dinner waiting to be served, house cleaned
and I had that beautiful glow of pregnancy radiating from my face.  He walked in
slammed his lunch box on the table and as he walked to the living room I asked
what was wrong.

We ate dinner in total silence I wanted to know why he was upset and if could
help him in any way, I wanted to be the perfect wife!  I wanted to see him smile
and tell him that our baby was kicking me all day long and tell him I got to hear
the heartbeat, but I dare not talk, afraid that he would yell at me.  Dishes done
and after 2 hours of no conversation I asked him "Why are you so quiet, do you
want to talk about it?"  His response was frightening, he jumped out of the chair
in the living room so rough that it fell over backwards.  He had his finger pointed
in my face and in a loud voice stated that he is sick of living like a poor person in
a tiny apartment and he called me a bitch.  With tears stinging my eyes I said
"Things will get better but don't ever call me that name again!"
I never saw it coming the big hand that sweetly holds my little hand was in a fist.  
His fist hit my mouth so hard that it took my breath away and landed me on the
floor.  
When I tried to get back up he kicked me in the head.  A few minutes later I was
covered in blood holding my head trying to stop the pounding in my head.  His
arms were around me and his tears falling on my arm, pleading with me to forgive
him.  On the ride to the hospital he was crying and telling me that he was so very
sorry he was begging me not to tell the hospital that he hit me.  
I was so young, pregnant and in my immature mind his apologies seemed
sincere, I was also not wanting my family to know what I had gotten myself into.  
My parents knew that he had a temper but did not know all the damage he had
done.  And...he promised NEVER to do that again and that he would never hold
things in and talk to me, love me and cherish me.  Through my immaturity I truly
thought he was sincere.
Enter in the first of a string of lies - Covering up to protect the abuser and hide
my private shame!  I did not tell the doctor that he did this to me, I told him that I
passed out.

This was in the mid 70's and back then there was not a strong enforcement
against
Domestic Violence like today. That fateful night of violence and me lying to
protect him were the first steps I walked on a path that I should have run from!

His moods would fluctuate from grouchy, viciously verbal, to physical violence to
a loving husband.  Because I decided to forgive him that first time, I trapped my
self into a life that was filled with pain, fear and guilt.
I was never allowed to have friends, I made many visits to hospitals because of
the beatings and still ashamed to tell my family about everything that was
happening to my life because it just seemed too unreal and I was ashamed that I
did not listen to my parents. By then my self esteem and confidence was
shattered.  I lived a lie to everyone who knew me, some saw through it and some
did not.  

His mother and father were pastors. As the years went by we had two sons,
owned our own home.  I was faced with my husband anger, his affairs with many
women, his brutal way of raising our boys.  In the 70's and the 1980's the police
did not offer much help to women who are victims of domestic violence.  It was
when women were being killed that laws went into affect that if an officer is called
to a home for a domestic argument, they make an arrest or actually do
something to prevent the violence.  When ever I would call the police for help, my
husband would answer the door.  He would be so calm and tell the officer
something like "She treats me bad and I am trying to talk her into calming down,
sorry for the disturbance.  If she would only stop yelling then we can be able to
talk with each other. Nothing I do is right I just cannot please that women."  The
police would wish him luck, shake his hand and tell him not to hesitate to call if
the little woman got out of control!!!!


There were many times that I would gather up the kids from their beds and run
out of
he house with the only the clothes on our backs.  Running for help!  We would
be taken to Women's Shelters in Phoenix, Arizona that helps women to escape
domestic violence.  
In the early 1980's he found me every time.
I did a lot of soul searching and talked him into letting me get a job.  He was
against it but I told him that we really needed that extra income.  He said "If you
got a job then you won't be able to clean the house, make my dinners....."
I won!  I found a job being a receptionist for mobile home sales.  That job
enabled me to gain confidence and I was happy.  Home life seemed to improve
also.  Until one night...I came home late from work, my boss had me type some
emergency papers for him.  My husband thought I had an affair because I was an
hour late from work.  
That night my children and I ended up in a women's shelter and I lost my job
because my husband was harassing them, believing they were hiding me out
from him.  I had no clothing except the clothes on my back when I arrived at the
shelter.  The shelter gave my children some clothes to wear and gave me some
clothes, the clothes they gave to me were a size 8 and I was a size 3!  I was
grateful for the help for sure.  I also was granted an interview for a job as a
mobile home receptionist, this was great because I had the experience!  The
counselors at the shelter were so happy for me and went to look in the clothing
donation bags for a nice outfit to wear to my interview.  I was such a tiny little
thing that everything in the bags were many sizes bigger than what I wore.  But
they did find a pretty dress and a pair of shoes in my favorite color.  The day of
my interview I sat in front of my soon to be new boss....
My hair was fixed up good that I passed the cuteness test for that part.  My make
up was perfect but did not cover up the swollen eye and black and blue bruise
that decorated my eye.  My dress, cinched tightly by a belt to make it not look like
it was a size 10 on my tiny size 3 body, hoping the interviewer would not notice.  
My shoes were taupe color, I tried to hide my feet from the man so that he would
not see that my size 6 foot was in a size 71/2 shoe. I WAS HIRED, Yup! I was on
my way to freedom for sure!!!  My new boss said to me "I know that you came
from a women's shelter, do you need some clothes to wear to work that fit you?"  
I could not bring myself to look at the man from shame and embarrassment but
with my eyes turned away I shyly said "Yes, I do".  He stood up and reached into
his pocket and said "Got any kids?"  I stated that I do, I have two sons.  He
reached his hand to me and said
here is $100.00 go buy you and your children clothes and shoes.
My tears would not stop flowing, I did take the money and bought us some
clothes at
the second hand store.  My first paycheck I paid him back in full.

2 weeks into my job that I loved, my boss called me into his office.  He asked me
if I am still residing at the women's shelter.  I told him "Yes, I am saving my checks
to get an apartment."  He then stated, "You remind me of my daughter and I
admire your courage.  Can you afford to take a couple of days off to look for an
apartment ?" I said "Not yet, I am not ready to pay for one or miss work right
now."  Then he handed me a check telling me "I am the owner of this company
and I am giving you paid days off and money to get you started for rent and
utilities on an apartment and extra for groceries."  
I could not speak, could not move and my brown eyes were as big as saucers!  I
told him that I could not accept that and I would get my own money together
soon, but thank you!  He looked at me with a funny look on his face and said
"This is not for sexual favors or anything like that so get that fear out of your little
mind. I told you that you remind me of my daughter and she was a victim of
domestic violence also.  
So please take this and start your life."

I found a cheap apartment and it became home for my sons and I.  A week after
moving in I was in the shower and heard my children scream.  I hurried to grab a
towel and run to see what the commotion was about.  My children were in the
bedroom with my oldest child being held by my husband and a gun at my sons
head.  
There are no words to describe the paralyzing fear that went through me.  He
broke in through the bedroom window and ever so calculating and a strange look
in his eyes he said "Joni my wife, want to know how I found you?"  Let me tell you
that you can never hide from me. The electric company was kind enough to give
me your address.  

I knew it would only be a matter of time before you quit running from me or that I
would find you.  Now get dressed and your coming back home where you
belong."  I told him that I was not coming home.  After talking him into releasing
my son he took my car keys off the dresser and ran. I ran after him trying to get
my keys back, he turned and pushed me to the ground pounding my face with
such a fierceness.  Then I remember him starting up my car and he drove away. I
made it back into my apartment all I could do was collapse on my couch. My two
little boys cared for me all night.  Never once did I look in the mirror to see what
damage was done.  I knew that my head was in severe pain and heard my boys
crying over me, he had beaten my face and head so badly that I could not think
to even call for help.  At 11:00am the next day there was a knock on my door and
my oldest son answered the door.  It was my boss!  He took one look at me and
said "You did not call work I knew something was wrong so I came over."  He
called an ambulance and I ended up with a severe concussion, neck injury and
an unrecognizable face.  When I saw what my face looked like it broke my heart
that my children went through all of that.
As fate would have it, my husband was threatening my boss and the employees, I
lost my job after my ex husband repeatedly threatened my boss and co workers. I
looked for work with no results, I did not have transportation except for the bus.  
My husband came over to my apartment and along with him he brought a pastor
of his sisters church.  The pastor sided with my husband and told me that I need
to get rid of my hardened heart and take him back.  A few days after that visit, he
kidnapped my son and I ended up going back because the resources were few
back then.
I would listen to people or on TV and hear people saying things about abused
women
"You must like it otherwise you would not stay with the man or You asked for it
otherwise you would leave".  Those statements are made out of
misunderstanding.  
When fear for your life and your children's life is present and in the 70's and
early 80's, a woman did not have the choices we have now.  Fear is the worst
thing a person can deal with in an abusive relationship. Fear is gripping and
paralyzing mentally and emotionally.  Somehow, within us we ourselves have to
find the strength to take those steps forward to become a survivor.  When we are
in an abusive relationship, we do not listen to others nor do we lean on others
due to the private shame and fear we deal with.  Only you can make the decision
to leave and get to safety and rebuild life.